yeap that's mum and me(:
and i'm soo much more taller than her!(: haha! yeap definately.Haha! this year's orange..
abit diffrent(: haha(:
karl.. i had to write this...):
here we go...)':
I’m sorry if you think that I am selfish. I hope you can see what is in my heart. I wish you could read my thoughts and my heart. But you can’t. You never have. I guess I keep calling you because I want to know that you’ve have moved on. I also want some closure between us. I am sure that I don’t want us to get back together. The months we spent together was one of the defining moments on my life. It changed me in ways I can never fully grasp yet.
I loved you. I was young and naive. I thought I was incapable of love but you taught me how. I loved you. When I was with you and when I was enveloped in your love, I always thought about you. Everyday for several weeks, I’d say a prayer. I’d think of you. Remember the bear i gave you ? i wanted to wrote this on it..If I could build a garden for every time I thought of you, I’d forever walk in that garden.
It is true. When we were together, you were all that I thought about. You were all that I cared about. I may have a hard time expressing my love but you melted my heart. Somehow you did. I hope you can find it in your heart to forgive me. I never knew what love was until we met. I never thought I was capable of that kind of love. Similarly, I never thought that I was capable of so much hurt and bitterness.
When I say I loved you, it doesn’t mean that I don’t love you anymore. You have touched my heart in ways I can never imagine. I think once you love someone, you are marked for life. You were once part of my life and I would carry that with me for the rest of my life.
The girl you once knew and the girl who once loved you has grown up. I am not the same person that I used to be when I met you. I have changed. And I’d like to believe that I changed for the better partly because of you. .
. You know what was really surprising? When I was tired of holding on to your hand, it felt right to let go of it. I felt powerless when I almost lost you but it felt right to let go. That’s what our relationship felt like. I tried to hold on to it even if the easiest thing to do would have been to let go.
It took me weeks to let go of you. And sometimes I stayed not because I wanted to. I stayed because I wanted to make you happy. Have I not tried to give you my love, my body and my soul? I tried to give you everything. There were times when I was selfish. But didn’t you feel that sometimes I would rather not be there with you? I stayed because I wanted to make you happy even if it killed me deep inside to stay with you.
Just try to remember. When we were intimate, did you ever look into my eyes and see the pain? There were times when I wasn’t even there with you. There were times that I would have wanted to be somewhere else.
That was the first time I allowed myself to truly feel what I felt inside. You said that love isn’t enough. Yes. You’re right. Love isn’t enough to make me stay. Love isn’t enough to make me happy. But it wasn’t your fault. In fact, I blame myself. I still do. But I don’t regret anymore. At least, I’ll carry the memories with me. And who knows? Maybe because of what we went through, we’ll eventually find happiness.
Two people can be in the same relationship and not have the same experience. I am only giving you my perspective on the relationship. You always said that you were happy when you were with me. You always told me that you were happy being with me. I felt that happiness when you’d kiss my lips or my forehead. I felt that happiness when you’d take my hand and kiss it. It took me a long time to admit it, but I wasn’t happy in our relationship. It had a negative effect on me. And it isn’t your fault. Some relationships just do that to people. It’s not just you or me. It’s you and me together.
There was a time when I blamed you for my unhappiness. It was wrong of me to think that. It wasn’t you. It was the relationship. It was the fact that I wasn’t ready for a relationship when I agreed to be with you. It was the fact that my parents and my family didn’t accept you and me. It was the fact that I was looking for something else and I couldn’t find it in our relationship. It was the fact that everything just didn’t feel right from the very beginning.
I guess that’s my fault. I always assume that people could read my thoughts. I guess I had wanted you to read my mind. I had wanted you to read right through me so I wouldn’t have to explain what was in my heart. But you could never do that. And that’s how I know, you’re not the one.
When I met you, I was at that point in my life when I started to question everything. I was sad and and alone. You were there for me. You liked me. And I wanted someone to fall in love with me.
I guess that’s also the reason why I stayed in our relationship far longer than I would have wanted. I guess, I didn’t want you to just like me. I wanted you to fall in love with me. I wanted you to love me because I never felt that at home. I never felt loved. I never felt needed.
And you seem to have needed me. You seem to have loved me. And for that, I’m very grateful .I felt so loved and so needed by you. I felt so important.
But that’s how I knew it was the wrong thing to do. I could never build a new life with you. I could never run away. It’s not because I don’t want to. It’s because I can’t. Running away from my family and from the world that I’ve ever known is like running away from myself. I couldn’t build a new life or a new identity with you because I would be denying myself.
I’ve always wanted to run away from my problems. I’ve always wanted to run away from my sadness. But I know that I can never run away from anything. This is who I am. I am who I am. I can never deny who I am. I can never deny myself. Running away would feel good but it wouldn’t feel right. I guess that’s what our relationship stood for. I was running away. I was running away from the world..
I guess I always wanted you to love me and to continue to love me even if we’re no longer together. So I admit, that part, I’m selfish. I wanted to go to sleep at nights knowing that somewhere out there in the world, was a guy who loved me and who thought of me. But when you told me that you were seeing another girl, I felt so sad. You had stopped loving me and have moved on. It’s what I’ve always wanted for you but I guess I was not prepared how much it would hurt. It hurt. It really hurt.
But at the same time, I was extremely grateful that you had found someone else. It allowed me to realize that our relationship had ended. That it was time for both of us to move on. And that it was time for me to stop believing that someone out there in the world was a guy who loved me.
I won’t ever forget the kisses that you gave me. The sweet kisses. You were napping. And I was sleepy. I rested my head on your chest. I woke up and you kissed my forhead. I would never forget that. At that moment, I felt most loved by you. And I still hold on to that memory when I feel lonely. At least, I could say to myself that once upon a time, someone had loved me. And that’s what I’ve always wanted from you. To be loved by you.
In a way, you have taught me how to love. Love should be about the simple things. Love shouldn’t be about the grand romantic gestures. It shouldn’t be about giving flowers or giving chocolates. Love should be about the simple things– to profess one’s love to someone, a simple kiss on the forehead, a touch on the hands, a kiss on the shoulder. Love should be about the simple things. You’ve taught me that.
You also taught me the concept of unconditional love. I would often ask you why you love me despite my faults and you’d say, ” It’s part of you. It’s part of the package. I have to learn to love all of you.” Those are simple yet powerful words. It shows that you have so much wisdom when it comes to love.
When you said that, that’s when I knew that you weren’t the one when I couldn’t admit the same thing about you. I loved you but my love for you was conditional. There were just things about you that I could never accept. One of that, being your cigarette use. I could never accept that. So my love is ” I love you BUT…” When it should be, ” I love you and…”
I know you will love again. I know you will learn to forgive me. I know you will learn to forgive yourself. I know you will love someone else. I feel sad that someone else will receive your kisses. I feel sad that you will be holding someone else’s life. But love evolves. Love grows. And you shouldn’t just allow your heart to feel love just once. Love is meant to be shared.
I have met someone. And I don’t know if he feels the same way for me the way that I do for him. I am hopeful though. But so much of my concept of love came from you. I love the little things about him. I love how he’s always there. I love how sweet and innocent he is. I love how simple his view of the world is. It’s the small things about him that matter. And I know where I learned this from. I learned it from you.
I hope you can hear what my heart is saying. I wish you could read my mind. Because right now, there is no bitterness and sadness in my heart anymore. There’s only hope.
I wish you could look back at our relationship and see how necessary it was. How it was meant to be part of our journey in life. How, you were meant to be part of my journey and I, yours. They say that we meet people for a reason. Meetings aren’t just random encounters. People meet each other because they’re meant to be part of each other’s journey. Our journey together was worth it . It lasted almost 9 months. Some encounters are short but it’s still no less significant.
I may not know it now. You may not know it now. But there was a reason why we met. Even if our journey together ended, at least we can look back and say to ourselves that we have loved. Because we have loved.
Your's truly'
Nurulhuda
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